Video Horror Stinkage

In my teenage years, during the storied era of the mom-and-pop video rental stores, my brother and I used to have a semi-regular ritual during weekends and summer months. With whatever money we could get our grubby mitts onto, we would find ourselves a couple terrible horror movies and then spend the rest on whatever generic snacks, soda and candy we could get.

We would then wait until our parents went to bed for the night, and we would take over the living room with these terrible movies.

These are not your typical horror movies. Freddy Krueger and Jason Voorhees were probably embarrassed that their films were on the same shelf as these flicks. While occasionally we rented a classic (the “Evil Dead” flims, for instance), our real passion was for cheese. Movies like “Pinocchio’s Revenge,” “Little Witches,” “Dr. Giggles” were the orders of the evening. 

The cinematic fromage called to us. For 3-4 hours, it was our reason for being. There was no homework. There were no real-world troubles. All we needed was cheap snacks and low-budget horror. There was no IMDB to tell us if a movie was good. We couldn’t pull up a flick’s Metascore or Tomato rating. There were no Netflix stars. We would just pick a movie based solely on its box art and title.

Some could see this as a nascent form of sneering hipster irony. But I don’t think there was much to be found. While sometimes we laughed at the movies more than we laughed with them, we were still legitimately entertained. And we weren’t renting the movies so we could tell others about them. We did it because it was fun.

Jason Felt and I discovered the wonderful “Killing Spree” in a similar fashion one summer. While staying with him and his family, we randomly picked out that movie. It was perfectly aged cheese, with a slight piquant nuttiness to it. We ranted and raved about it. We named a band after it.

My good friend Chris, his sister and I carry on the tradition every Halloween. We hold an informal contest to see who can bring the most dreadfully laughable horror film. One year I “won” with “Kickboxer from Hell.” The year before that, “Hard Rock Zombies” was the winner - I believe from Chris’s sister Charity.

Volumes have been written about the latter-day high-concept, low-budget SyFy movies like “Shartopus.” I won’t go into too much detail, but I side with the critics: The bad horror flicks of the 70s, 80s and 90s at least tried to put together an entertaining piece. The latter-day SyFy flicks think gimmicks and tweets will carry their boring flims across. They won’t. The movies I speak of were a lot of things, but they were never boring.

Recently I decided I need a fix of scary cheese more than once a year. More than that, I’m going to start reviewing them from time to time.

I’ve been batting around different ideas for GreenAdder’s Stupid Podcast, and I think this is a step in the right direction. This won’t be anything I do with regularity; maybe I’ll review something once every few months until I get sick of it. But it will at least be something fun.

In the meantime, if you’ve actually read this far, I may be looking for a guest for my next GASP. The topic (of course) will be cheesy horror movies. Any takers?

The whole time I was watching “Guardians of the Galaxy,” all I could think was this.

The whole time I was watching “Guardians of the Galaxy,” all I could think was this.

Singing while driving

Sometimes I don’t sing along to the lyrics when I’m driving. Instead I decide to add backup parts that the song didn’t originally have, but should. Some songs benefit from “what” and “yeah.” Some songs need some “hup-hup” and “pick it up” action. And the occasional track needs a “eee-hee” and “shamon!” Try it. It’s fun.

Hey, you’re the one who’s been going around helping people around here, right? The King says to keep up the good work, and said to give you this.

Hey, you’re the one who’s been going around helping people around here, right? The King says to keep up the good work, and said to give you this.

Nothing like relaxing with a drink and a good book after a long day at work. #maturity #adulthood #grownup

Nothing like relaxing with a drink and a good book after a long day at work. #maturity #adulthood #grownup

Lazer

Whenever somebody spells “laser” with a “z,” I’m immediately transported back to a world of neon, fishnet-over-spandex, and fingerless gloves. It’s a land where guys named “Ozone” get so funky fresh that they wind up breakdancing against the laws of gravity itself. It’s a world where Coke changes its flavor, then changes it back, all while everyone wonders who shot some guy named JR. It’s a place where cartoon characters’ lips keep moving for two seconds after they’ve finished talking. It’s a magical realm, when you heard urban legends about some kid using a Generation-1 Megatron to stick up a 7-Eleven.

Heh. “Lazer.”

mitchclem:

oh it’s nothing, just some contract for a thing I wrote

If anyone deserves this, it’s Mitch.

mitchclem:

oh it’s nothing, just some contract for a thing I wrote

If anyone deserves this, it’s Mitch.

"What did you do this time, Ray?"

"What did you do this time, Ray?"

Which discontinued food or beverage product are you?

Every day grocery companies make the decision to take beloved products off the shelf, replacing them with inferior items. The tastes of your childhood blah blah blah I’m just trying to make sure this has enough text to fill out a Facebook preview box.

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